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Joke of the Week!!!!!!

A Sister's Day of Golf
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair . She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asks the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So, I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell
me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the
drive of my life.

I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and
true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not
100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh, my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother Superior!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the *****ing
putt, didn't you?

Joke Of The Week!!!!!

One Fast Moped An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!' 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !' Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN ! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'

Joke Of The Week!!!!!

Meet My Friend
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Joke Of The Week!!!!!

MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin
I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then you spend your last 9 months floating
peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service
on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Joke of The Week!!!

The Most Powerful Liquid In The World A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

Joke Of The Week!!!!!

The Seven Dwarfs
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs",
they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse
me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back
to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled
again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf
nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Joke of the Day!!!!!

No Place Like Heaven
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood
curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh
my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage
of."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

Joke of the Day!!!!!!!!!

Never Question A Drunk
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
''You must be single''.

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said ''Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''

The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.''

Best Buy to open in-store music centers
Monday, July 28th, 2008 at 8:08am EST

CHICAGO
Hoping to cater to everyone from the garage guitarist to a recording musician, Best Buy Co. Inc. is announcing a massive new initiative that sets aside store space for an array of musical instruments and gear in dozens of sites nationwide. The nation's largest consumer electronics retailer will announce Tuesday that it plans to open as many as 85 of the music centers inside its stores by the end of the year and could add even more locations in the future, executives told The Associated Press. Each site will use about 2,500 square feet of retail space and include roughly 1,000 different products with well-known brand names such as Fender, Gibson, Drum Workshop and Roland. "We're not just extending the shelf space in the store, we're creating a designated area specifically for this experience," said Kevin Balon, the company's vice president of musical instruments. "And we're trying to create an authentic and genuine musical instrument store look and feel inside of Best Buy." The Richfield, Minn.-based retailer _ already an industry leader in sales of everything from digital cameras to video games _ will use its headfirst jump into the $8 billion U.S. musical instrument market to carve out new revenue opportunities as sales of CDs and DVDs slow, experts said. When the rollout is complete, Best Buy _ already considered by many investors to be a global powerhouse in the electronics retailing world _ will become the second-largest instrument seller in the country based on locations. But some observers are cautious about whether the expansion efforts will reap big rewards, particularly as the nation's economy slows and consumers become even more particular about spending hard-earned paychecks. "It's not a high-growth area and it's obviously going to take up a lot of real estate," said Morningstar retail analyst Brady Lemos. Executives declined to comment on how much the company is investing in the project or how much they expect to gain from the store-within-a-store effort. So far, ten sites are already open, including five in California, two in Illinois and two in Minnesota. Best Buy's selection will include everything from accessories _ picks, sheet music and cases _ to high-end basses, guitars, keyboards and DJ equipment. Instruments will be housed in separate rooms and the company also plans to offer group music lessons. Acoustic guitars will sell between $89.99 and $3,200 and drum kits will retail for as much as $5,000. A selection of the offerings will also be available online in early August. "However you want to play, if play means you're just learning and you want to play with a bunch of buddies, or you want to play on stage, we can support any of that," Balon said.

Sheryl Crow urges preservation of wild mustangs

Sheryl Crow urges preservation of wild mustangs
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 12:17pm EST

NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Sheryl Crow is urging people to get involved in saving America's wild horses. "I think it will be a real shame when we look back and we don't have these incredible species, and I guess my best hope would be that people, individuals, step up at this point and really protect these animals," the 46-year-old Grammy-winning singer says in an upcoming do*****entary, "Saving the American Wild Horse." The program airs 9 p.m. EST Monday on the Do*****entary Channel. Directed by James Kleinert, it's narrated by Peter Coyote and features Viggo Mortensen. Crow, who lives in Tennessee and owns a wild mustang named Colorado, says the animals are part of American history but are being sacrificed in big business' drive for Western lands. "We're starting to get really, really far away from our heritage and what this country is based on," she says. The do*****entary examines the Bureau of Land Management's policies regarding wild horses on public lands and includes interviews with ranchers, historians, animal rights activists, environmentalists and others. "If any of these politicians visited these sites where our indigenous animals are being slaughtered in an inhumane way and being sold for meat, I feel that there would be a different take and a different approach to what's happening," Crow says.